Tin Anniversary
Aug. 19th, 2011 08:23 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thessalianIt's been ten years now, more or less exactly. Ten years ago I tried to kill myself - again - and that time ended up in a US psychiatric hospital, full of OTC sleep aids and self-loathing, with a liberal serving of alcohol. And then a UK psychiatric hospital. And then a lot of therapy and some antidepressants.
I'm now off the antidepressants. I still have some problems coping with stress. There are the migraines. There are the bouts of self-loathing. I know how far I've come, and that some days are better than others - some days, I won't even think about it; others, I'll slog through with the goal of 'just get through the day' in my head. One thing Susanna Kaysen was right about - once the option to suicide is there, once you've decided that you actually can do that to yourself, it's always on the table and is never going away. It might not be the automatic go-to solution in all cases, but if things get bad enough, it's there. All therapy gives you is the ability to talk yourself off the ledge before you have to get someone else to do so.
There were some very good things about ten years ago. I met the siblings I'd have asked for if I could have chosen, and some wonderful friends into the bargain. I saw parts of the world I'd have likely never seen otherwise. It was in no way the best way to go about everything, because running away from one's self never works and problems like this transcend geography, but I'm not going to in any way belittle any of the good that came from it. There were people who helped me a great deal in a lot of ways and I will always be grateful.
...Not grateful enough to be anything but pissed off at having the fact of the anniversary in question flung into my face first thing in the morning, in a public journal entry, expressed in such a way that makes it sound like I made some asinine attempt on my life in some Romeo-and-Juliet-ish "if we can't be together then I don't want to live" bit of bullshit. (The author of that little gem should also point out that if it hadn't been for my calling a certain umsibling first, I wouldn't have called him at all, and thus he wouldn't have been able to be BigHeroGuy because I'd have just finished my drink and gone swimming in the Gulf with my boatload of sleeping pills and hard lemonade. kthnxbai.)
On that note, did I mention that today will be a mental health day on the grounds of triggers and OMG YOU DID FUCKING WELL NOT? Well, it is.
I'm now off the antidepressants. I still have some problems coping with stress. There are the migraines. There are the bouts of self-loathing. I know how far I've come, and that some days are better than others - some days, I won't even think about it; others, I'll slog through with the goal of 'just get through the day' in my head. One thing Susanna Kaysen was right about - once the option to suicide is there, once you've decided that you actually can do that to yourself, it's always on the table and is never going away. It might not be the automatic go-to solution in all cases, but if things get bad enough, it's there. All therapy gives you is the ability to talk yourself off the ledge before you have to get someone else to do so.
There were some very good things about ten years ago. I met the siblings I'd have asked for if I could have chosen, and some wonderful friends into the bargain. I saw parts of the world I'd have likely never seen otherwise. It was in no way the best way to go about everything, because running away from one's self never works and problems like this transcend geography, but I'm not going to in any way belittle any of the good that came from it. There were people who helped me a great deal in a lot of ways and I will always be grateful.
...Not grateful enough to be anything but pissed off at having the fact of the anniversary in question flung into my face first thing in the morning, in a public journal entry, expressed in such a way that makes it sound like I made some asinine attempt on my life in some Romeo-and-Juliet-ish "if we can't be together then I don't want to live" bit of bullshit. (The author of that little gem should also point out that if it hadn't been for my calling a certain umsibling first, I wouldn't have called him at all, and thus he wouldn't have been able to be BigHeroGuy because I'd have just finished my drink and gone swimming in the Gulf with my boatload of sleeping pills and hard lemonade. kthnxbai.)
On that note, did I mention that today will be a mental health day on the grounds of triggers and OMG YOU DID FUCKING WELL NOT? Well, it is.
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no subject
Date: 2011-08-19 08:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-19 08:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-19 12:25 pm (UTC)Also, *hugs,* I'm glad you're still here.
no subject
Date: 2011-08-19 12:50 pm (UTC)NO. Just...no.
no subject
Date: 2011-08-19 03:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-19 03:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-19 03:56 pm (UTC)And what an asshole. Sadly, I've had a few friends who supported me at the time throw it in my face later, which is one of the hardest blows I've ever dealt with.
Best of luck. Here's hoping for a day with no triggers. :-D