The Old Ball and Chain
Feb. 21st, 2006 03:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thessalianThere are some sick, sick people in the world.
Okay, I understand the concept of prenuptial agreements. I don't personally want one. I don't think I necessarily need one. However, I do understand that things sometimes get ugly during the breakup stage and it's nice for some people to have clearly established boundaries so that the whole thing doesn't end up a courtroom bitch-fest. This goes double if the couple in question has kids. That's all fine. No big deal. It's better, of course, if you don't go into it with such a pessimistic attitude that you have to lay down ground rules for a divorce before you're even married, but at least it saves people from turning what could be a halfway amicable split, or at least a mutual calm break-up of housekeeping, into a whole acrimonious mess.
This is not that kind of document.
Yes, I'm well aware that men and women have certain preferences about their spouse's grooming habits, wardrobe and bedroom antics. I know I like it when![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
dodgyhoodoo is clean-shaven, as it saves me a lot of stubble abrasion, and that dodgyhoodoo prefers my hair long. These are preferences. I understand that. And ensuring 'me-time' is a good thing. It's good to arrange a time that's just for the couple with no distractions.
This is not exactly that kind of document either.
A few choice quotes:
"Sleepwear & Sleeping
When we are at home, and alone as a family, you will be naked within 20 minutes of the kids being in bed, and then sleep naked, unless instructed otherwise. If I am not at home when the kids go to bed you are still to be naked before I return home. The only exception will be during your menstrual cycle..."
"When we are at home and alone as a family, from when you are to be naked* until 12:00 am, or for three hours, which ever is later, will be My-Time. This time will be, time you will devote solely to me, whereas you will be in my service to do anything and everything I want, which may or may not be sexual in nature...
During My-Time you--
WILL NOT:
1) Argue about anything with me or to me
2) Complain about anything to me or about me
3) Cry, sob, whine or pout
4) Sigh, moan, bulk (sic) or otherwise show displeasure or unhappiness
5) Raise your voice at or to me
6) Be condescending to or about me
7) Ask for anything from me or for me
8) Be distracted from me by other things
WILL:
1) Be subservient, submissive, and totally obedient
2) To do what you are asked, when you are asked, exactly how you are asked
3) Be cheerful and adoring towards me
4) Be close at all times, unless otherwise told to
5) Perform any and all sexual acts, excluding anal penetration and / or ingestion of cum, when told to"
"Misbehavior is when you complain about what is requested of you, or when you try to negotiate something else instead of what was requested or expected of you...
You are to do everything that is requested or expected of you, if you do not wish to be considered noncompliant. You are also noncompliant if you start something and cannot ro will not finish even if you state that you are in pain or something hurts... [Shit about Good Behaviour Days, rewards for compliance that you have to turn in at certain times if you want to be free from these idiotic demands for a day.] If you are noncompliant then you lose three times amount of GBD's that would have been given. If you don't have enough GBD's to cover the loss, then you will be tied to the bed and I will do whatever I wish too (sic) you. This will continue every night until you are ready to be compliance (sic), at which time you will need to apologize and explain how you are ready to be my sex slave again."
I read this, and I feel more than slightly vomitous. Forcing someone to shave entirely, except for a small patch of pubic hair (any shape you wish, how nice). Demanding photo sets?!? Dictating the kind of underwear, hosiery and shoes a person wears? Giving Good Behaviour Days -- described as days when the wife in question doesn't have to do this shit, so long as she calls it before midday on the day she wants one -- for offering sexual acts? Actively tying someone to the bed if she hasn't earned enough of these idiotic GBDs to pay for telling him to stop because he's hurting her? That's not a marriage; that's a BDSM match-up from hell!
[Edit: I have nothing against BSDM. It's not my thing, exactly, as I have control issues, but if it turns you on, then cool on you. The watchwords are, however, supposed to be 'safe, sane and consensual'. Masters in the M/s relationship have responsibilities too. And in this contract? Nada. There aren't even clauses for medical emergencies, let alone safewords. And the outs, reading back, are only half-outs, if that -- the responsibilities are lessened, but not removed. I find this repugnant. As has been stated repeatedly in comments totheferrett's journal, where I found this link, this is not a 'normal' BSDM relationship.]
No, the woman in question apparently did not sign this monstrosity. I'm not even sure I want to know how that all went. I do know that the man who drew up this piece of misogynistic apostrophe abuse (and I rendered it as faithfully as a bad scan would allow) is up on charges of kidnap and child pornography. This somehow does not surprise me.
Marriage, I believe, is based on mutual respect, trust, and above all, love. This horror has nothing to do with love. It's rape, bondage, and reads like a circle of hell. You don't demand things of people you love; you ask for them, and reach a compromise. You don't force people you love to commit acts to which they are adverse. You don't tell them how to dress, when and what to shave, when to have sex and what acts will take place during the sex, or anything like that. If you want to marry someone, you do it because you love them, and enforcing that shit is about preventing people from being the very people you supposedly fell in love with in the first place. Why do you marry someone if you're going to treat them that way?
I don't know how women get into these situations, but it reminds me of that guy I mention in my last entry. He says that women are meant to be subservient, want to be subservient, and that their attempts at equality are just confusing them. Oh, really? Then why did this woman hand over that document to the police instead of signing and accepting it?
This is what happens when any individual sees any other individual as chattel. Horror, degradation, slavery. Worse, it takes for granted everything that can be beautiful about marriage, committment and love. That is not the world we choose to live in. If you're married, committed to someone, in love or have ever been, look at this and remember that this is not what it's about. I don't think anyone on my friends list needs telling, but you have to start somewhere.
Okay, I understand the concept of prenuptial agreements. I don't personally want one. I don't think I necessarily need one. However, I do understand that things sometimes get ugly during the breakup stage and it's nice for some people to have clearly established boundaries so that the whole thing doesn't end up a courtroom bitch-fest. This goes double if the couple in question has kids. That's all fine. No big deal. It's better, of course, if you don't go into it with such a pessimistic attitude that you have to lay down ground rules for a divorce before you're even married, but at least it saves people from turning what could be a halfway amicable split, or at least a mutual calm break-up of housekeeping, into a whole acrimonious mess.
This is not that kind of document.
Yes, I'm well aware that men and women have certain preferences about their spouse's grooming habits, wardrobe and bedroom antics. I know I like it when
dodgyhoodoo is clean-shaven, as it saves me a lot of stubble abrasion, and that dodgyhoodoo prefers my hair long. These are preferences. I understand that. And ensuring 'me-time' is a good thing. It's good to arrange a time that's just for the couple with no distractions.This is not exactly that kind of document either.
A few choice quotes:
"Sleepwear & Sleeping
When we are at home, and alone as a family, you will be naked within 20 minutes of the kids being in bed, and then sleep naked, unless instructed otherwise. If I am not at home when the kids go to bed you are still to be naked before I return home. The only exception will be during your menstrual cycle..."
"When we are at home and alone as a family, from when you are to be naked* until 12:00 am, or for three hours, which ever is later, will be My-Time. This time will be, time you will devote solely to me, whereas you will be in my service to do anything and everything I want, which may or may not be sexual in nature...
During My-Time you--
WILL NOT:
1) Argue about anything with me or to me
2) Complain about anything to me or about me
3) Cry, sob, whine or pout
4) Sigh, moan, bulk (sic) or otherwise show displeasure or unhappiness
5) Raise your voice at or to me
6) Be condescending to or about me
7) Ask for anything from me or for me
8) Be distracted from me by other things
WILL:
1) Be subservient, submissive, and totally obedient
2) To do what you are asked, when you are asked, exactly how you are asked
3) Be cheerful and adoring towards me
4) Be close at all times, unless otherwise told to
5) Perform any and all sexual acts, excluding anal penetration and / or ingestion of cum, when told to"
"Misbehavior is when you complain about what is requested of you, or when you try to negotiate something else instead of what was requested or expected of you...
You are to do everything that is requested or expected of you, if you do not wish to be considered noncompliant. You are also noncompliant if you start something and cannot ro will not finish even if you state that you are in pain or something hurts... [Shit about Good Behaviour Days, rewards for compliance that you have to turn in at certain times if you want to be free from these idiotic demands for a day.] If you are noncompliant then you lose three times amount of GBD's that would have been given. If you don't have enough GBD's to cover the loss, then you will be tied to the bed and I will do whatever I wish too (sic) you. This will continue every night until you are ready to be compliance (sic), at which time you will need to apologize and explain how you are ready to be my sex slave again."
I read this, and I feel more than slightly vomitous. Forcing someone to shave entirely, except for a small patch of pubic hair (any shape you wish, how nice). Demanding photo sets?!? Dictating the kind of underwear, hosiery and shoes a person wears? Giving Good Behaviour Days -- described as days when the wife in question doesn't have to do this shit, so long as she calls it before midday on the day she wants one -- for offering sexual acts? Actively tying someone to the bed if she hasn't earned enough of these idiotic GBDs to pay for telling him to stop because he's hurting her? That's not a marriage; that's a BDSM match-up from hell!
[Edit: I have nothing against BSDM. It's not my thing, exactly, as I have control issues, but if it turns you on, then cool on you. The watchwords are, however, supposed to be 'safe, sane and consensual'. Masters in the M/s relationship have responsibilities too. And in this contract? Nada. There aren't even clauses for medical emergencies, let alone safewords. And the outs, reading back, are only half-outs, if that -- the responsibilities are lessened, but not removed. I find this repugnant. As has been stated repeatedly in comments to
theferrett's journal, where I found this link, this is not a 'normal' BSDM relationship.]No, the woman in question apparently did not sign this monstrosity. I'm not even sure I want to know how that all went. I do know that the man who drew up this piece of misogynistic apostrophe abuse (and I rendered it as faithfully as a bad scan would allow) is up on charges of kidnap and child pornography. This somehow does not surprise me.
Marriage, I believe, is based on mutual respect, trust, and above all, love. This horror has nothing to do with love. It's rape, bondage, and reads like a circle of hell. You don't demand things of people you love; you ask for them, and reach a compromise. You don't force people you love to commit acts to which they are adverse. You don't tell them how to dress, when and what to shave, when to have sex and what acts will take place during the sex, or anything like that. If you want to marry someone, you do it because you love them, and enforcing that shit is about preventing people from being the very people you supposedly fell in love with in the first place. Why do you marry someone if you're going to treat them that way?
I don't know how women get into these situations, but it reminds me of that guy I mention in my last entry. He says that women are meant to be subservient, want to be subservient, and that their attempts at equality are just confusing them. Oh, really? Then why did this woman hand over that document to the police instead of signing and accepting it?
This is what happens when any individual sees any other individual as chattel. Horror, degradation, slavery. Worse, it takes for granted everything that can be beautiful about marriage, committment and love. That is not the world we choose to live in. If you're married, committed to someone, in love or have ever been, look at this and remember that this is not what it's about. I don't think anyone on my friends list needs telling, but you have to start somewhere.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-02-21 04:17 pm (UTC)Most people aren't 24/7 about it, or that asinine, though.
Also, there's usually things like safewords, outs, and mutual respect that starts it in the first place.
This seems to have none of those.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-21 04:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-21 05:06 pm (UTC)Devil's Advocate hat on
Date: 2006-02-21 04:57 pm (UTC)Re: Devil's Advocate hat on
Date: 2006-02-21 05:04 pm (UTC)I don't know what a TPE contract is, exactly, but in any contract you enter into, you need to sign for amendments. They even make you initial cashback transactions, and you'll notice the spaces for initials -- those would have to be filled in by her and then the document signed to make that binding. That's just standard legal procedure. So even if she signed a contract, I don't see what difference it makes; she didn't sign that one.
Re: Devil's Advocate hat on
Date: 2006-02-21 05:38 pm (UTC)Anyway, it sounds a great deal like what this bastard apparently wanted...but note that the dominant partner in the TPE article is trusted to show some responsibility regarding the power he wields (even if he's not held accountable if he doesn't).
Personally, I'm betting that this guy was probably abusive to begin with. Maybe they were playing some D/s thing, I'm no expert on that, but it doesn't really sound like that to me.
Re: Devil's Advocate hat on
Date: 2006-02-21 10:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-21 05:53 pm (UTC)