By Popular Demand?
Apr. 7th, 2011 11:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thessalianSo I actually got requests for the other two acts of DA2. I ... am kind of surprised. But who am I to ignore a request? (Unless it involves a certain fanfic series that I still don't believe I get requests about, but what the hell.)
(Viscount's Office. We've been here once. Now we're being treated like we kind of belong here. Which is nice, considering that being treated like dirt gets kind of old. However...)
Viscount: The Qunari are being annoying!
Hawke: By ... sitting there and doing nothing?
Viscount: Well ... it's just ... people are ... look, they asked for you. Sort it out!
Hawke: I'm an apostate refugee. Okay, an apostate refugee with a lot of money, a dwarf majordomo and an estate in Hightown, but ... why are you sticking me with your diplomatic work?
Viscount: Frankly, it's because you're a complete sucker who takes every paying job people throw at you out of habit.
Hawke: ...............
(And, upon visiting the Qunari...)
Isabela: Yeah, so my last lead on that relic went bust and... Oh, we're doing the Qunari thing now? Ohlookbigstrappingmenwithnoshirtson... I HAVE TO GO. AWAY.
Foreshadowing: *dances around us naked save for a feather boa*
Hawke: *does not notice* .........Okay. I'll assume you'll be in your bunk, Isabela, and take the elf with me instead.
Me: *calls Hawke fifteen different flavours of dumbarse. Loudly. Scaring the neighbours*
Merrill: They're so big and stern, the Qunari. What do you think they'd do if I tickled them?**
Hawke: ...............Okay, maybe I'll take the other elf.
(**This actually happens. Take Merrill with you to the Qunari compound. I DARE YOU.)
(So, with Arl Foreshadowing capering around the place, we run around like idiots trying to beat down the morons trying their hands at Qunari-baiting and rabble-rousing.)
Lunatic Elf: THIS IZ FER MAH PEEPUUUUUUUUL!
Fenris: As one of 'yuh peepul', I can only say this: Y'all can suck it.
Stabnation: *ensues through haze of poison gas*
Psychotic Templar: THIS IZ FER MAH PEEPUUUUUUUUL!
Hawke: How many apostates have we got with us now? Three? Seriously, 'yuh peepul' can suck it.
Psychotic Templar: That's what your brother said.
Hawke: .............Plzdie, kthnx.
Stabnation: *ensues a bit more thoroughly than usual*
(Somehow, with the city on the brink of war, one has time to dopointless quests favours for friends...)
Hawke: So that plot point made of lyrium made your brother crazy and then he sold it to some woman. Think that's going to come back to bite us in the arse?
Varric: Naaaaah.
Foreshadowing: *keeps on dancing, having traded the feather boa for something more S&M*
Fenris: Thanks for helping me kill my master's old apprentice. Dunno what to do about this 'sister' thing, though.
Hawke: Eh, leave it. Siblings aren't all they're cracked up to be, y'know.
Varric: Amen to that.
Aveline: Copper marigolds! Dicking with the duty roster! I need three goats!
Party as a whole: .............................
Aveline: I want to get laid!
Party as a whole: ..........................................................
Aveline: Not with the -- oh, Maker's sake!
(And there is no way in the world I could make what happens next any funnier.)
Hawke: How many templars did we have to slaughter just to find out something that we could have found out by ... y'know, asking?
Anders: Don't care. Would drown the world in blood to keep you safe.
Hawke: ...We couldn't start with flowers?**
(**This also actually happens. Sarcastic responses for the win!)
(Oh yeah, and of course, it wouldn't be Bioware if the main character wasn't getting laid. In this case...)
Anders: I want you but NO! WE MUSTN'T! I WILL ONLY HURT YOU!
Hawke: Any more than the time Isabela forgot to ... erm, remove that dagger?
Anders: ................... Oh, fine, the Sparklepire routine wasn't working anyway. *SNOG OF FACE-NOMMAGE*
(Then it turns out that Arl Foreshadowing was stealthing around in Act 1...)
Aveline: Hey, remember that Templar with the conspiracy theory about a serial killer in Kirkwall? The one who's too old for this shit? He's being annoying.
Hawke: And there's no chance that he's right?
Aveline: Doubtful, but I'll believe it from you, if you find proof.
Emeric: *ded of stabbity*
Leandra: *missing following receipt of killer's calling card*
Hawke: .............THAT ENOUGH PROOF FOR YOU, FRECKLES?!?
(After which there is a chase through the undercity and the discovery of at least one other woman dead of stabnation, a few damning notes to and from someone named O and a serious Norman-Bates-meets-Victor-Frankenstein vibe until...)
Quentin: So my wife spread herself a little thin when she died, so I improvised. I like jigsaw puzzles!
Leandra: *is now a patchwork-woman shambling horror thing*
Quentin: *soon ded of EVERYTHING, EVAR*
Leandra: *dies in Hawke's arms*
Anders: So now's the time to get up on my soapbox about mage freedom, right?
(Not, mind you, that the rest of the party shows that much more tact.)
Fenris: Told you all mages were sick monsters.
Gamlen: It's all your fault for not being omnipotent!
Carver: *doesn't even write*
Anders: I'm here for you ... but REMEMBER THAT THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT MAGES NEED ANY KIND OF CHECKREINS WHATSOEVER.
Aveline: ...I guess I should have taken the serial killer thing seriously?
Hawke: *somehow manages not to slaughter the whole sorry bunch of them in a justified homicidal rampage*
(Not very long after that at all, the problems follow Hawke to her living room...)
Aveline: I need to extradite some murderers from the Qunari compound!
Isabela: Help me find my relic!
Hawke: ...............
(Retrieval missions tend to be shorter, so Isabela gets helped first. There's some slaughter and some revellations that make Arl Foreshadowing laugh hysterically and wave his metaphoricals in the players' shocked and sputtering faces as he continues to caper naked through the game, and then...)
Hawke: So ... the relic belonged to the Qunari, and they can't leave without it.
Fenris: Indeed.
Hawke: And Isabela's run off with it, so we can't give it back to them.
Varric: Yep.
Hawke: And we're now going to turn around and tell them that we not only slaughtered their men and couldn't get them their relic, but that we want to take away their new converts.
Aveline: That's about the size of it. On a scale of one to 'screwed', we are...?
Hawke: To the rafters.
(Indeed, that goes over about as well as a hyperactive cat at Cruft's, and soon the streets are burning and there's Qunari everywhere, herding VIPs into the Viscount's keep. The party hacks its way through the streets until:)
Meredith: Here's the scene in which I introduce myself as a righteous badass with at least some sense of what is appropriate at any given time, which is why you're not dead, apostate.
Orsino: And here's the scene where I show myself to be a mild-mannered man until provoked, at which point I will at least be relatively cautious but also prove myself to be a badass.
Hawke: Varric, you know epic narrative. Think these two are going to be central to our lives later?
Varric: Well, if you look over there, that naked Foreshadowing guy is turning cartwheels - and I don't want my eyes anymore.
(For reasons best known only to the writers, and which fans justify as best they can, it's decided that four people are enough to take on an entire unit of Qunari soldiers in close quarters. So in sneaks the party, just in time to find the Arishok bowling for nobles with the Viscount's severed head. There's a certain amount of at least attempting diplomacy until such time as a semi-conscious Qunari comes flying into shot and is used on a footstool by...)
Isabela: Fuck you, Hawke; you gave me a conscience. Why couldn't you have given me the clap like normal people? Oh, and here's your stupid book, Qunari. Now GTFO.
Arishok: Either we take you prisoner, Hawke duels me one-on-one, or we move in and slaughter you all anyway.
Isabela: But ... I'm the Duelist!
Anders: Psst ... not in this game, sweetheart.
Isabela: .......fuck.
(Upshot: Hawke does the duel. Eventually, after a lot of running around and lobbing Force spells around like confetti to slow the big bruising SOB down long enough to throw hurty-spells at him, Hawke wins the duel on nearly no HP and is declared the Champion of Kirkwall to all sorts of cheers and accolades from the erstwhile hostages.)
Varric: That's gonna make a hell of a story.
Hawke: That's nice. I think I can get as far as the door before I pass out...
(Back to the darkened room. Cassandra looks impressed. Varric looks smug.)
Cassandra: So she duelled the Arishok one on one. That's hot.
Varric: Someone's got a cru-ush!
Cassandra: Stuff it, dwarf!
Varric: Hey, better her than me. You're scary.
Cassandra: Don't knock it 'til you've tried it.
Varric: ............Look, do you want to hear the rest of this or what? If so, get your brains out of your knickers, okay?
Cassandra: Oh, fine. I suppose it's better that I at least hear how the Champion got involved in the wreck of humanity before I find other uses for that mouth of yours.
Varric: .............So! Templars! Right!
I shouldn't be online. But I am. Briefly. *g*
(Viscount's Office. We've been here once. Now we're being treated like we kind of belong here. Which is nice, considering that being treated like dirt gets kind of old. However...)
Viscount: The Qunari are being annoying!
Hawke: By ... sitting there and doing nothing?
Viscount: Well ... it's just ... people are ... look, they asked for you. Sort it out!
Hawke: I'm an apostate refugee. Okay, an apostate refugee with a lot of money, a dwarf majordomo and an estate in Hightown, but ... why are you sticking me with your diplomatic work?
Viscount: Frankly, it's because you're a complete sucker who takes every paying job people throw at you out of habit.
Hawke: ...............
(And, upon visiting the Qunari...)
Isabela: Yeah, so my last lead on that relic went bust and... Oh, we're doing the Qunari thing now? Ohlookbigstrappingmenwithnoshirtson... I HAVE TO GO. AWAY.
Foreshadowing: *dances around us naked save for a feather boa*
Hawke: *does not notice* .........Okay. I'll assume you'll be in your bunk, Isabela, and take the elf with me instead.
Me: *calls Hawke fifteen different flavours of dumbarse. Loudly. Scaring the neighbours*
Merrill: They're so big and stern, the Qunari. What do you think they'd do if I tickled them?**
Hawke: ...............Okay, maybe I'll take the other elf.
(**This actually happens. Take Merrill with you to the Qunari compound. I DARE YOU.)
(So, with Arl Foreshadowing capering around the place, we run around like idiots trying to beat down the morons trying their hands at Qunari-baiting and rabble-rousing.)
Lunatic Elf: THIS IZ FER MAH PEEPUUUUUUUUL!
Fenris: As one of 'yuh peepul', I can only say this: Y'all can suck it.
Stabnation: *ensues through haze of poison gas*
Psychotic Templar: THIS IZ FER MAH PEEPUUUUUUUUL!
Hawke: How many apostates have we got with us now? Three? Seriously, 'yuh peepul' can suck it.
Psychotic Templar: That's what your brother said.
Hawke: .............Plzdie, kthnx.
Stabnation: *ensues a bit more thoroughly than usual*
(Somehow, with the city on the brink of war, one has time to do
Hawke: So that plot point made of lyrium made your brother crazy and then he sold it to some woman. Think that's going to come back to bite us in the arse?
Varric: Naaaaah.
Foreshadowing: *keeps on dancing, having traded the feather boa for something more S&M*
Fenris: Thanks for helping me kill my master's old apprentice. Dunno what to do about this 'sister' thing, though.
Hawke: Eh, leave it. Siblings aren't all they're cracked up to be, y'know.
Varric: Amen to that.
Aveline: Copper marigolds! Dicking with the duty roster! I need three goats!
Party as a whole: .............................
Aveline: I want to get laid!
Party as a whole: ..........................................................
Aveline: Not with the -- oh, Maker's sake!
(And there is no way in the world I could make what happens next any funnier.)
Hawke: How many templars did we have to slaughter just to find out something that we could have found out by ... y'know, asking?
Anders: Don't care. Would drown the world in blood to keep you safe.
Hawke: ...We couldn't start with flowers?**
(**This also actually happens. Sarcastic responses for the win!)
(Oh yeah, and of course, it wouldn't be Bioware if the main character wasn't getting laid. In this case...)
Anders: I want you but NO! WE MUSTN'T! I WILL ONLY HURT YOU!
Hawke: Any more than the time Isabela forgot to ... erm, remove that dagger?
Anders: ................... Oh, fine, the Sparklepire routine wasn't working anyway. *SNOG OF FACE-NOMMAGE*
(Then it turns out that Arl Foreshadowing was stealthing around in Act 1...)
Aveline: Hey, remember that Templar with the conspiracy theory about a serial killer in Kirkwall? The one who's too old for this shit? He's being annoying.
Hawke: And there's no chance that he's right?
Aveline: Doubtful, but I'll believe it from you, if you find proof.
Emeric: *ded of stabbity*
Leandra: *missing following receipt of killer's calling card*
Hawke: .............THAT ENOUGH PROOF FOR YOU, FRECKLES?!?
(After which there is a chase through the undercity and the discovery of at least one other woman dead of stabnation, a few damning notes to and from someone named O and a serious Norman-Bates-meets-Victor-Frankenstein vibe until...)
Quentin: So my wife spread herself a little thin when she died, so I improvised. I like jigsaw puzzles!
Leandra: *is now a patchwork-woman shambling horror thing*
Quentin: *soon ded of EVERYTHING, EVAR*
Leandra: *dies in Hawke's arms*
Anders: So now's the time to get up on my soapbox about mage freedom, right?
(Not, mind you, that the rest of the party shows that much more tact.)
Fenris: Told you all mages were sick monsters.
Gamlen: It's all your fault for not being omnipotent!
Carver: *doesn't even write*
Anders: I'm here for you ... but REMEMBER THAT THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT MAGES NEED ANY KIND OF CHECKREINS WHATSOEVER.
Aveline: ...I guess I should have taken the serial killer thing seriously?
Hawke: *somehow manages not to slaughter the whole sorry bunch of them in a justified homicidal rampage*
(Not very long after that at all, the problems follow Hawke to her living room...)
Aveline: I need to extradite some murderers from the Qunari compound!
Isabela: Help me find my relic!
Hawke: ...............
(Retrieval missions tend to be shorter, so Isabela gets helped first. There's some slaughter and some revellations that make Arl Foreshadowing laugh hysterically and wave his metaphoricals in the players' shocked and sputtering faces as he continues to caper naked through the game, and then...)
Hawke: So ... the relic belonged to the Qunari, and they can't leave without it.
Fenris: Indeed.
Hawke: And Isabela's run off with it, so we can't give it back to them.
Varric: Yep.
Hawke: And we're now going to turn around and tell them that we not only slaughtered their men and couldn't get them their relic, but that we want to take away their new converts.
Aveline: That's about the size of it. On a scale of one to 'screwed', we are...?
Hawke: To the rafters.
(Indeed, that goes over about as well as a hyperactive cat at Cruft's, and soon the streets are burning and there's Qunari everywhere, herding VIPs into the Viscount's keep. The party hacks its way through the streets until:)
Meredith: Here's the scene in which I introduce myself as a righteous badass with at least some sense of what is appropriate at any given time, which is why you're not dead, apostate.
Orsino: And here's the scene where I show myself to be a mild-mannered man until provoked, at which point I will at least be relatively cautious but also prove myself to be a badass.
Hawke: Varric, you know epic narrative. Think these two are going to be central to our lives later?
Varric: Well, if you look over there, that naked Foreshadowing guy is turning cartwheels - and I don't want my eyes anymore.
(For reasons best known only to the writers, and which fans justify as best they can, it's decided that four people are enough to take on an entire unit of Qunari soldiers in close quarters. So in sneaks the party, just in time to find the Arishok bowling for nobles with the Viscount's severed head. There's a certain amount of at least attempting diplomacy until such time as a semi-conscious Qunari comes flying into shot and is used on a footstool by...)
Isabela: Fuck you, Hawke; you gave me a conscience. Why couldn't you have given me the clap like normal people? Oh, and here's your stupid book, Qunari. Now GTFO.
Arishok: Either we take you prisoner, Hawke duels me one-on-one, or we move in and slaughter you all anyway.
Isabela: But ... I'm the Duelist!
Anders: Psst ... not in this game, sweetheart.
Isabela: .......fuck.
(Upshot: Hawke does the duel. Eventually, after a lot of running around and lobbing Force spells around like confetti to slow the big bruising SOB down long enough to throw hurty-spells at him, Hawke wins the duel on nearly no HP and is declared the Champion of Kirkwall to all sorts of cheers and accolades from the erstwhile hostages.)
Varric: That's gonna make a hell of a story.
Hawke: That's nice. I think I can get as far as the door before I pass out...
(Back to the darkened room. Cassandra looks impressed. Varric looks smug.)
Cassandra: So she duelled the Arishok one on one. That's hot.
Varric: Someone's got a cru-ush!
Cassandra: Stuff it, dwarf!
Varric: Hey, better her than me. You're scary.
Cassandra: Don't knock it 'til you've tried it.
Varric: ............Look, do you want to hear the rest of this or what? If so, get your brains out of your knickers, okay?
Cassandra: Oh, fine. I suppose it's better that I at least hear how the Champion got involved in the wreck of humanity before I find other uses for that mouth of yours.
Varric: .............So! Templars! Right!
I shouldn't be online. But I am. Briefly. *g*
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no subject
Date: 2011-04-07 12:40 pm (UTC)And I'll happily request fanfic updates (even though I haven't a clue what it is, yet, but if it's your writing, it's bound to be good o.o)!
no subject
Date: 2011-04-07 01:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-07 06:21 pm (UTC)But Daria! I was never allowed to watch that, but I'd sneak episodes any time I went to visit my gran. The only ep I remember with any clarity was the navel piercing fiasco.
"It feels just like popping a pimple."
"Yeowch!"
"I haven't done anything yet."
"I just thought of how much it hurts to pop a pimple."
I doubt that's actually verbatim...but it's tragically the only dialogue I can remember. It's been so long!
no subject
Date: 2011-04-07 06:37 pm (UTC)Still, the show's great and I think it's out on DVD now...
no subject
Date: 2011-04-07 01:28 pm (UTC)At some point I'll have to play through as Noble!Hawke, but Sarcastic!Hawke was just too much fun...:-)
no subject
Date: 2011-04-07 01:58 pm (UTC)