Grating Expectations
Sep. 28th, 2004 09:55 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thessalianThis seems to be a week of considering where one is in life as compared to where one's "supposed to be". I have thoughts on this (because I am me and have thoughts on everything; if I stopped thinking, my brain would probably implode), but haven't really been able to discuss them. I don't know how it happens that you get people who are the best of friends when one of them thinks too much and the other one actively tries not to, but somehow it seems to work. Anyway, the thoughts are still there, and there's such a thing of too much stewing on these things, so I'll just blab them out to whoever happens to be reading.
[Side note: I wonder why people like reading this journal. I think I've narrowed it down to the soap opera factor ("Somebody's life is all fucked up and it's not just me!") or the desire of others to read a level of righteous indignation that turns whingeing into something damn near Homeric.]
Human beings are born every day. There's all kinds of theological and philosophical bullcrap that one can spout, even at this early stage. Were you born to fulfil a specific purpose, and if so, will you ever find it, seeing as Gods are about as forthcoming with information as a sack of weasels on the brown acid? Or was your birth simply a random event caused by two people fucking and the mingling of a lot of really complicated molecules? Either way, does it really matter to the minute-old baby squalling as someone snips its last physical connection to its mother?
And therein lies the problem. While physical connections are entirely severed on the day the child is born, emotional and psychological connections last much, much longer, and they're not always good, life-giving ones. I am perfectly willing to believe that there are parents out there who honestly think that their children should be able to go their own way in life and are willing to support said children in just about any venture their little hearts lead them into. I think I've seen a few. The problem is that these are a dying breed. Parents have all these expectations. They want children as more than just a continuation of the species and a living symbol of familial love. We've gone from trophy wives to trophy children. They want us to succeed so they can parade us at coffee mornings or cocktail parties and say, "Look what I produced and raised! Aren't I marvellous? Oh, of course, sheer effort on my child's part helped a little, but where would my offspring be without me?"
Parents aren't the only ones who hammer the expectations home. The media produces stellar examples of "The Beautiful People" -- bright, shiny urban professionals whose only problems are along the order of "how'm I ever going to find a lover with my life being as busy as it is?" They're either taught not to need a spouse to be fulfilled in life, or the message is hammered home about how fulfilling married life can be even if you do jack in your job to be a house-spouse. Hard-working professionals on the lower rungs of the career ladder are used as object lessons or comic relief ... that's if they're not ignored. Shops cater to the young urban professional, and trendy-bars geared for those same yuppies proliferate. In short, everyone's advertising the rat race. Success is the thing that one requires to make one happy, complete and fulfilled.
Here's the $64,000 question: What is success?
I know what my mother says it is: enough money to always be self-sufficient and all the trappings to prove it -- the house/flat, the car, the clothes, the food, the lifestyle. Mum's big on trappings. Success is all about the money. Given her background, I can't blame her for thinking like that, really. Hell, the entire world says that success = money. The problem with that view of success is that it's kind of hollow. Trappings is all it is, and what happens if expensive clothes and trendy wine bars aren't for you? Some people do it anyway and learn to appreciate it, simply because that's the expectation. They live the lifestyle in the hopes that this will make them as happy as they're supposed to be. Going one's own way is verboten.
Then there's the things you expect from yourself, but how do you know where those end and the lessons that have been beaten into you since childhood begin? How do you know what you really want? Here's a hint: if it takes being forced to think about it to come up with the things you should have but don't, then you don't really need them.
I don't know about you all, but I've seen success as defined by most of the Western world (and a fair bit of the Eastern, I suppose). I've seen what happens when it's financial comfort Uber Alles. You leave a lot of things by the wayside, things I was always curious about but wasn't sure really existed. Things like having the time and energy to be creative instead of working like a dog all day and dropping in front of the telly at the end of it like a good little drone. Having a low-level job means I have time to work myself to a frazzle at things I like to do, and that counts for a lot. Or having to use your imagination to come up with fun ways to spend your weekends because you can't afford to just buy entertainment. Being able to show weakness once in awhile, without worrying that you're going to lose your position as top dog. That kind of thing. It's nice when going out for sushi is a treat that you treasure instead of something you do three times a week because you can't be arsed to cook. Having less financially tends to make me appreciate the things I can have all the more.
My measure of success is the fact that I survived the suicide attempts and came back an actual human being instead of a ball of nerves, depression and other people's expectations. Also the fact that I have real friends, both the kind you can share everything with and the kind you can just hang out with -- and even some that fill both criteria. Most of all, the fact that I'm happy. That's the only real measure of success that's worth anything anyway -- if you're not happy with everything you say is success, how successful were you in making your life better?
Eh, I've gone all philosophical. But it's better than having to deal with Dr Propper stressing out about things he can't control and I wasn't even dealing with. But I guess I'd better get back to the prioritising. The problem is that everybody wants their stuff to take priority, and right now my main priority is sorting out the mess the temp left. After I've had my little philosophical interlude, that is.
[Side note: I wonder why people like reading this journal. I think I've narrowed it down to the soap opera factor ("Somebody's life is all fucked up and it's not just me!") or the desire of others to read a level of righteous indignation that turns whingeing into something damn near Homeric.]
Human beings are born every day. There's all kinds of theological and philosophical bullcrap that one can spout, even at this early stage. Were you born to fulfil a specific purpose, and if so, will you ever find it, seeing as Gods are about as forthcoming with information as a sack of weasels on the brown acid? Or was your birth simply a random event caused by two people fucking and the mingling of a lot of really complicated molecules? Either way, does it really matter to the minute-old baby squalling as someone snips its last physical connection to its mother?
And therein lies the problem. While physical connections are entirely severed on the day the child is born, emotional and psychological connections last much, much longer, and they're not always good, life-giving ones. I am perfectly willing to believe that there are parents out there who honestly think that their children should be able to go their own way in life and are willing to support said children in just about any venture their little hearts lead them into. I think I've seen a few. The problem is that these are a dying breed. Parents have all these expectations. They want children as more than just a continuation of the species and a living symbol of familial love. We've gone from trophy wives to trophy children. They want us to succeed so they can parade us at coffee mornings or cocktail parties and say, "Look what I produced and raised! Aren't I marvellous? Oh, of course, sheer effort on my child's part helped a little, but where would my offspring be without me?"
Parents aren't the only ones who hammer the expectations home. The media produces stellar examples of "The Beautiful People" -- bright, shiny urban professionals whose only problems are along the order of "how'm I ever going to find a lover with my life being as busy as it is?" They're either taught not to need a spouse to be fulfilled in life, or the message is hammered home about how fulfilling married life can be even if you do jack in your job to be a house-spouse. Hard-working professionals on the lower rungs of the career ladder are used as object lessons or comic relief ... that's if they're not ignored. Shops cater to the young urban professional, and trendy-bars geared for those same yuppies proliferate. In short, everyone's advertising the rat race. Success is the thing that one requires to make one happy, complete and fulfilled.
Here's the $64,000 question: What is success?
I know what my mother says it is: enough money to always be self-sufficient and all the trappings to prove it -- the house/flat, the car, the clothes, the food, the lifestyle. Mum's big on trappings. Success is all about the money. Given her background, I can't blame her for thinking like that, really. Hell, the entire world says that success = money. The problem with that view of success is that it's kind of hollow. Trappings is all it is, and what happens if expensive clothes and trendy wine bars aren't for you? Some people do it anyway and learn to appreciate it, simply because that's the expectation. They live the lifestyle in the hopes that this will make them as happy as they're supposed to be. Going one's own way is verboten.
Then there's the things you expect from yourself, but how do you know where those end and the lessons that have been beaten into you since childhood begin? How do you know what you really want? Here's a hint: if it takes being forced to think about it to come up with the things you should have but don't, then you don't really need them.
I don't know about you all, but I've seen success as defined by most of the Western world (and a fair bit of the Eastern, I suppose). I've seen what happens when it's financial comfort Uber Alles. You leave a lot of things by the wayside, things I was always curious about but wasn't sure really existed. Things like having the time and energy to be creative instead of working like a dog all day and dropping in front of the telly at the end of it like a good little drone. Having a low-level job means I have time to work myself to a frazzle at things I like to do, and that counts for a lot. Or having to use your imagination to come up with fun ways to spend your weekends because you can't afford to just buy entertainment. Being able to show weakness once in awhile, without worrying that you're going to lose your position as top dog. That kind of thing. It's nice when going out for sushi is a treat that you treasure instead of something you do three times a week because you can't be arsed to cook. Having less financially tends to make me appreciate the things I can have all the more.
My measure of success is the fact that I survived the suicide attempts and came back an actual human being instead of a ball of nerves, depression and other people's expectations. Also the fact that I have real friends, both the kind you can share everything with and the kind you can just hang out with -- and even some that fill both criteria. Most of all, the fact that I'm happy. That's the only real measure of success that's worth anything anyway -- if you're not happy with everything you say is success, how successful were you in making your life better?
Eh, I've gone all philosophical. But it's better than having to deal with Dr Propper stressing out about things he can't control and I wasn't even dealing with. But I guess I'd better get back to the prioritising. The problem is that everybody wants their stuff to take priority, and right now my main priority is sorting out the mess the temp left. After I've had my little philosophical interlude, that is.
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no subject
Date: 2004-09-28 07:33 am (UTC)We surmised that the fact our parents came from the generation they do (both are pre-Boomers), and the backgrounds they have, they raised us in a way that is totally out of step with today's society.
We care about the things you said, enjoying life, appreciating what you have, taking time to be creative, etc.
We also find people who "live for the trappings" as you say, to be really annoying and awful.
You're not alone. *hug*
no subject
Date: 2004-09-28 10:29 am (UTC)We all have our own definitions and as long as we meet our *own* standards (or choose not to think about it) everything is fine.
Problems occur when we try to live up to *other people's* standards...