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thessalianMy mother e-mailed me for the first time in months. The subject line was "Nanny", so I opened it instead of marking it 'Read' and putting it in the Parental file with the others. I figured not even she would be low enough to use my concern about my grandmother's continuing ill health to make me listen to her.
The doctors found a tumour in my grandmother's bowel. So now, despite chronic bronchitis, emphysema, ulcers, a shot liver, osteoporosis, diabetes and God only knows what else, she has to go in for surgery. She could never take chemotherapy in her condition, and radiotherapy does squat. I should know -- I deal with that sort of cancer every day, albeit at a remove. Hell, I'm not even sure she could survive surgery in her condition. The next e-mail I get from Mum is going to be that Nanny's dead, and that's going to be very goddamn soon.
The hell of it is that there's nothing -- absolutely nothing -- I can do.
Even if I had her number, I couldn't call her. Not after the recent mess. I can't hear about how I should talk to my mother because she loves me -- not with the 'dying request' obligation attached to it. The problem is that Nanny's only ever heard one side of all the problems that I've had with my mother over the years -- Mum's. I could never give her my side, because most of the history is completely beyond her. I can't even explain that because the reason the history's beyond Nanny is because she spent the first twelve or so years of my life drunk; what kind of granddaughter would I be if I rubbed her face in that after all this time? So the upshot is that I'm stuck here with an indefensible position as the only continuation of my family's maternal line who managed to completely fuck it up.
I don't get how I was supposed to be the golden child. My father was a disinterested misogynist git; my mother a workaholic time-bomb who pinned all her hopes on me and never let me forget it. My grandparents were drunks, my aunts mentally deficient, and that's just my mother's side. My father's side ... well, I hardly met any of them. In short, I've never really had any family that I could safely rely on -- sure, I could turn to Mum for help but then she'd wind up using that as a lever and I'd be back on the leash again and I don't call that safe.
And yet, I'm the unreliable one. I'm the one who didn't do her homework, lied to her mother consistently, ran away from home and broke off contact, tried to kill herself and a whole host of other things that prove me to be yet another screw-up in the family. I can't defend myself against any of this, because opinion is relative and whoever gets the first word tends to win the argument if there isn't any concrete evidence. Yes, I'm talking about my own fucked-up past and all the things that have hurt me as some sort of crime, but I don't know who's committed it against whom. But I know what case my mother will be presenting.
Besides, even if I could face talking to her, I don't have her phone number. I have a vague address, which should get a letter there, but is there time? With the postal system the way it is, she could be dead by the time a letter gets there. But it's the only way I can think of to tell her I love her without actually talking to my mother, which I've decided is safer for me not to do. And I do have to tell her, because I may not get another chance. I don't need to hear it back -- I know.
How am I going to face work tomorrow? What happens if yet another sucky family-member-of-patient tells me I "don't know what it's like to be in this situation"? How am I going to get through patient letters without thinking that Nanny doesn't even have the options I'm helping these patients receive? I can't even get through a journal entry about it without crying.
On top of preparatory grief, there's the sure and certain knowledge that I don't actually have a family anymore. For one reason or another, they're all inaccessible to me. I'm not even going to be able to go to the funeral (I'm sorry, but it's going to happen, and soon; it has to be said).
And you know, despite having been awake for the last 32 hours, I have completely ceased to be tired. I don't know what I'm going to do about work tomorrow.
The doctors found a tumour in my grandmother's bowel. So now, despite chronic bronchitis, emphysema, ulcers, a shot liver, osteoporosis, diabetes and God only knows what else, she has to go in for surgery. She could never take chemotherapy in her condition, and radiotherapy does squat. I should know -- I deal with that sort of cancer every day, albeit at a remove. Hell, I'm not even sure she could survive surgery in her condition. The next e-mail I get from Mum is going to be that Nanny's dead, and that's going to be very goddamn soon.
The hell of it is that there's nothing -- absolutely nothing -- I can do.
Even if I had her number, I couldn't call her. Not after the recent mess. I can't hear about how I should talk to my mother because she loves me -- not with the 'dying request' obligation attached to it. The problem is that Nanny's only ever heard one side of all the problems that I've had with my mother over the years -- Mum's. I could never give her my side, because most of the history is completely beyond her. I can't even explain that because the reason the history's beyond Nanny is because she spent the first twelve or so years of my life drunk; what kind of granddaughter would I be if I rubbed her face in that after all this time? So the upshot is that I'm stuck here with an indefensible position as the only continuation of my family's maternal line who managed to completely fuck it up.
I don't get how I was supposed to be the golden child. My father was a disinterested misogynist git; my mother a workaholic time-bomb who pinned all her hopes on me and never let me forget it. My grandparents were drunks, my aunts mentally deficient, and that's just my mother's side. My father's side ... well, I hardly met any of them. In short, I've never really had any family that I could safely rely on -- sure, I could turn to Mum for help but then she'd wind up using that as a lever and I'd be back on the leash again and I don't call that safe.
And yet, I'm the unreliable one. I'm the one who didn't do her homework, lied to her mother consistently, ran away from home and broke off contact, tried to kill herself and a whole host of other things that prove me to be yet another screw-up in the family. I can't defend myself against any of this, because opinion is relative and whoever gets the first word tends to win the argument if there isn't any concrete evidence. Yes, I'm talking about my own fucked-up past and all the things that have hurt me as some sort of crime, but I don't know who's committed it against whom. But I know what case my mother will be presenting.
Besides, even if I could face talking to her, I don't have her phone number. I have a vague address, which should get a letter there, but is there time? With the postal system the way it is, she could be dead by the time a letter gets there. But it's the only way I can think of to tell her I love her without actually talking to my mother, which I've decided is safer for me not to do. And I do have to tell her, because I may not get another chance. I don't need to hear it back -- I know.
How am I going to face work tomorrow? What happens if yet another sucky family-member-of-patient tells me I "don't know what it's like to be in this situation"? How am I going to get through patient letters without thinking that Nanny doesn't even have the options I'm helping these patients receive? I can't even get through a journal entry about it without crying.
On top of preparatory grief, there's the sure and certain knowledge that I don't actually have a family anymore. For one reason or another, they're all inaccessible to me. I'm not even going to be able to go to the funeral (I'm sorry, but it's going to happen, and soon; it has to be said).
And you know, despite having been awake for the last 32 hours, I have completely ceased to be tired. I don't know what I'm going to do about work tomorrow.
You probably don't want to hear this...
Date: 2004-09-26 02:48 pm (UTC)You may not have a family anymore, but you have friends. When you can stand to be around us again, I suggest talking to us. (Not necessarily to me in particular, but
Re: You probably don't want to hear this...
Date: 2004-09-26 03:39 pm (UTC)I second that; you can always talk to us. I don't mind listening, and I'll do my best to help you; that's what friends are for.