Something in the Air
Jul. 28th, 2004 10:11 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thessalianAfter a halfway decent night's sleep, this morning brought about some thinking -- always a dangerous thing, I suppose, but in this case not so bad. Well, not for me, anyway.
I was thinking about the timing of this break-up thing, and the justification for it. I suppose I can see the logic in giving me some space and thinking time to decide what exactly it is I want to do about, for example, my living situation. After all, two weeks apart is going to give a certain type of perspective on matters. However, the logic is slightly flawed, and I knew it was slightly flawed at the time but, given how badly the rest of the situation threw me, I couldn't see why. Finally got some perspective on it and now I can see exactly what's wrong with it.
So here's the situation. He breaks up with me, then leaves. We don't talk about why this happened -- hell, we probably never will, but that's likely a good thing as I suspect part of the problem was my insistence on trying to open a dialogue on why we reacted to each other the way we did in the first place. But I don't see him for a week, and while this gives my brain time to go, "Oh. Okay. We're not a couple anymore", there's no tangible connection to that fact. I don't see him and go, "not mine", if you like. There's a certain level beyond the logical that's just not being reached.
And then, after over a week of getting myself marginally settled, I see him again. This throws me completely because, while I know I've been telling myself all week that we've broken up, there he is ... and I haven't managed to programme the fact that he's not my boyfriend anymore into that beyond-logic part of me. He tries to hug me straight away when we're alone, which makes matters weirder because every part of me wants to reciprocate except for the logic, which goes, "No! You're not going out anymore! It'll only confuse you and hurt lots!" So I withdraw as far as I can -- physically, emotionally, mentally. We don't talk much before he leaves again. It's all so terribly weird.
How can I make a decision on whether I can share a house with him when there's all this situational weirdness in the air? I know this is all temporary -- that all the tension and confusion in the air is circumstantial. The problem is that it's there, and it's keeping me from seeing whether I really can just share a house with him. If I'd just been able to get used to the change in situation in a relatively normal way, I'm fairly sure I wouldn't feel this way now. Not saying I'd feel any better, but it'd be a different kind of bad.
So whatever he said about his reasons for telling me immediately before he left on holiday, this is not the time for decision-making about what I want to do and where I want to go. That time will be my holiday, in September. In that situation, I'll have had a month's worth of living with him to figure out if the weird will ever go away (and I'm pretty sure it will, given time and practice), and I'll also have the space I need to make a choice. As it's stood these past two weeks, he's had the space and all I've had is psychic baggage.
For the record? I think it'll work out.
I was thinking about the timing of this break-up thing, and the justification for it. I suppose I can see the logic in giving me some space and thinking time to decide what exactly it is I want to do about, for example, my living situation. After all, two weeks apart is going to give a certain type of perspective on matters. However, the logic is slightly flawed, and I knew it was slightly flawed at the time but, given how badly the rest of the situation threw me, I couldn't see why. Finally got some perspective on it and now I can see exactly what's wrong with it.
So here's the situation. He breaks up with me, then leaves. We don't talk about why this happened -- hell, we probably never will, but that's likely a good thing as I suspect part of the problem was my insistence on trying to open a dialogue on why we reacted to each other the way we did in the first place. But I don't see him for a week, and while this gives my brain time to go, "Oh. Okay. We're not a couple anymore", there's no tangible connection to that fact. I don't see him and go, "not mine", if you like. There's a certain level beyond the logical that's just not being reached.
And then, after over a week of getting myself marginally settled, I see him again. This throws me completely because, while I know I've been telling myself all week that we've broken up, there he is ... and I haven't managed to programme the fact that he's not my boyfriend anymore into that beyond-logic part of me. He tries to hug me straight away when we're alone, which makes matters weirder because every part of me wants to reciprocate except for the logic, which goes, "No! You're not going out anymore! It'll only confuse you and hurt lots!" So I withdraw as far as I can -- physically, emotionally, mentally. We don't talk much before he leaves again. It's all so terribly weird.
How can I make a decision on whether I can share a house with him when there's all this situational weirdness in the air? I know this is all temporary -- that all the tension and confusion in the air is circumstantial. The problem is that it's there, and it's keeping me from seeing whether I really can just share a house with him. If I'd just been able to get used to the change in situation in a relatively normal way, I'm fairly sure I wouldn't feel this way now. Not saying I'd feel any better, but it'd be a different kind of bad.
So whatever he said about his reasons for telling me immediately before he left on holiday, this is not the time for decision-making about what I want to do and where I want to go. That time will be my holiday, in September. In that situation, I'll have had a month's worth of living with him to figure out if the weird will ever go away (and I'm pretty sure it will, given time and practice), and I'll also have the space I need to make a choice. As it's stood these past two weeks, he's had the space and all I've had is psychic baggage.
For the record? I think it'll work out.