Off Writing
Oct. 27th, 2003 09:54 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thessalianWell, I returned to the office with five bowls of Tempura Soba for Julie and two packs of miso soup each for both Julie and Kate. From Julie I got, "Ooh! This is lunch for the week taken care of! I love these things..." From Kate I got, "Ooh. I've decided I'm going to take one of these to Italy with me".
The words "thank you" never featured. Not once. Now, I was going out to Colindale anyway, but that's no reason not to thank me for bringing back things for them. Ever get that really, really unappreciated feeling?
Anyway.
I got through about a third of Buffy S2 while half-heartedly bashing out a couple of pages of this fic I promised I'd have out by Hallowe'en. It's not that I don't like the story (I do); it's a 'crisis of confidence' thing. It's a long, complicated, damn near self-pitying story, but I'll shorten it as best I can. I wrote something. Well, a lot of something. It's okay, but compared to what I'm doing now, it's kind of crap. I'm allowed to call it crap; I'm not calling it unmitigated crap, for one thing (anything that has inspired that many people has got to have redeeming characteristics, and I had fun with it anyway). For another thing, if I'm calling it crap in comparison to what I'm doing now, it's not self-deprecation. It's deprecation of myself when I was four years younger, with four years less practice and severe mental problems. And I'm not doing it unkindly either.
Other people don't see it that way. I don't know how they can so conclusively state that my old series stuff isn't relative crap when they read my newer, non-series stuff reluctantly (or not at all). Perhaps they're psychic. Or biased. Could very well be bias. There have been other theories that smack of actual psychology, but I won't go into that here, no matter how spot-on I think they are. It's not my place.
Besides, it doesn't matter. I look at my old stuff and rejoice that I can do better than that -- that my current work isn't so juvenile and simple and commercial; that I can do better. It's hard to believe that there's any point in trying to improve when people think something so simplistic and commercial and below what I can do -- hell, below what I want to do -- is the best that I ever will do, and the only thing they want.
Is writing really about whoring yourself to the industry to this extent? If so, maybe I don't want any part of it after all.
Thess
The words "thank you" never featured. Not once. Now, I was going out to Colindale anyway, but that's no reason not to thank me for bringing back things for them. Ever get that really, really unappreciated feeling?
Anyway.
I got through about a third of Buffy S2 while half-heartedly bashing out a couple of pages of this fic I promised I'd have out by Hallowe'en. It's not that I don't like the story (I do); it's a 'crisis of confidence' thing. It's a long, complicated, damn near self-pitying story, but I'll shorten it as best I can. I wrote something. Well, a lot of something. It's okay, but compared to what I'm doing now, it's kind of crap. I'm allowed to call it crap; I'm not calling it unmitigated crap, for one thing (anything that has inspired that many people has got to have redeeming characteristics, and I had fun with it anyway). For another thing, if I'm calling it crap in comparison to what I'm doing now, it's not self-deprecation. It's deprecation of myself when I was four years younger, with four years less practice and severe mental problems. And I'm not doing it unkindly either.
Other people don't see it that way. I don't know how they can so conclusively state that my old series stuff isn't relative crap when they read my newer, non-series stuff reluctantly (or not at all). Perhaps they're psychic. Or biased. Could very well be bias. There have been other theories that smack of actual psychology, but I won't go into that here, no matter how spot-on I think they are. It's not my place.
Besides, it doesn't matter. I look at my old stuff and rejoice that I can do better than that -- that my current work isn't so juvenile and simple and commercial; that I can do better. It's hard to believe that there's any point in trying to improve when people think something so simplistic and commercial and below what I can do -- hell, below what I want to do -- is the best that I ever will do, and the only thing they want.
Is writing really about whoring yourself to the industry to this extent? If so, maybe I don't want any part of it after all.
Thess
no subject
Date: 2003-10-27 09:50 am (UTC)Maybe the people you're complaining about couldn't tell that. I know I couldn't when you were talking to me. But I'm certainly glad to be reassured.
For another thing, if I'm calling it crap in comparison to what I'm doing now, it's not self-deprecation. It's deprecation of myself when I was four years younger
Something of a point, but I didn't want to take it up in detail because it didn't sound like the sort of thing you needed to hear someone agreeing with just then. I still dispute that it's crap, even "in comparison to what [you're] doing now", but I've never sat down and read your earliest fics side-by-side with your most recent stuff, so I'll concede that the early work might at least look crappy by comparison.
It's hard to believe that there's any point in trying to improve when people think something so simplistic and commercial and below what I can do -- hell, below what I want to do -- is the best that I ever will do, and the only thing they want.
Is that aimed, in whole or part, at me? Because the shoe sure fits, or at least fits with the impression I sometimes think I'm giving you. In my case, the thing you currently aren't interested in doing that I was so hot to see isn't the only thing I want. There was a time when it was the thing I wanted most, and to my shame, I let that desire overshadow my interest in your other work. But really, the "only" thing I want, as far as your writing's concerned, is to see the next thing you're working on. I'm sorry for all the times I've forgotten that, and doubly sorry for the times I've remembered it but forgotten to say it.
— Waka-kun