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I hate my life...
Mar. 15th, 2006 07:42 amHome sick. Again. Lurgy and guilt; I just came off sick leave!
Waaaaaaaaah.
Waaaaaaaaah.
Mar. 15th, 2006
I think I am in shit at work. It's so hard to tell because I 'call in' via email. This is partly due to bad phone reception, partly due to wanting to get it over with as soon as I know I'm not coming in so I can immediately go back to bed and, in this case, partly because talking hurts and I sound like a foghorn anyway.
Basically what I got is, "This is bad news. I hope you can come in tomorrow."
This can mean one of two things:
1) "Oh, what a pity you're ill again so soon. I hope you are feeling well enough to come back to the office soon."
2) "Something majorly shitty is going on at the office and I think it is your fault, or at least you're the only one who can fix it. You've been off sick an awful lot lately. This had better not be malingering."
He can't think it's malingering. He can't. He heard me hacking away yesterday; he must know I'm actually ill. I barely slept last night because I couldn't breathe. My appetite is shot and I've spent most of today semi-comatose on the sofa; I'd have been no use at all in the office. I don't want to be ill. It's not my fault I got ill again so soon, unless this is the same lurgy that blew back up again because I went back to work before I was completely better, in which case it's my fault for going back so soon at all...
I should look at the bright side; Michael does know I'm actually ill, and I shouldn't really think he'd blame me for manifestation of symptoms preventing my ability to leave the house or even concentrate for long periods. The thing is, I can't afford to be complacent, what with my probation period only being extended until May. I remember bloody Kier, after all. I can't lose this job. We'd be screwed to the wall if I lost this job. On the one hand, there's no way I'll be better by tomorrow; the best I can hope for is a minimum level of function at this point. On the other hand, if it's option 2 and I'm going to get in trouble for non-attendance, I can't afford not to at least make an effort. But if I go in off form, I'm going to make mistakes and...
Argh. How am I supposed to get better with all this stress?
Basically what I got is, "This is bad news. I hope you can come in tomorrow."
This can mean one of two things:
1) "Oh, what a pity you're ill again so soon. I hope you are feeling well enough to come back to the office soon."
2) "Something majorly shitty is going on at the office and I think it is your fault, or at least you're the only one who can fix it. You've been off sick an awful lot lately. This had better not be malingering."
He can't think it's malingering. He can't. He heard me hacking away yesterday; he must know I'm actually ill. I barely slept last night because I couldn't breathe. My appetite is shot and I've spent most of today semi-comatose on the sofa; I'd have been no use at all in the office. I don't want to be ill. It's not my fault I got ill again so soon, unless this is the same lurgy that blew back up again because I went back to work before I was completely better, in which case it's my fault for going back so soon at all...
I should look at the bright side; Michael does know I'm actually ill, and I shouldn't really think he'd blame me for manifestation of symptoms preventing my ability to leave the house or even concentrate for long periods. The thing is, I can't afford to be complacent, what with my probation period only being extended until May. I remember bloody Kier, after all. I can't lose this job. We'd be screwed to the wall if I lost this job. On the one hand, there's no way I'll be better by tomorrow; the best I can hope for is a minimum level of function at this point. On the other hand, if it's option 2 and I'm going to get in trouble for non-attendance, I can't afford not to at least make an effort. But if I go in off form, I'm going to make mistakes and...
Argh. How am I supposed to get better with all this stress?