The Art of Conversation
Feb. 9th, 2006 02:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thessalianSo today's the day I meet up with my mother. A few hours from now, I'll be sitting in the bar of a nice Japanese restaurant where we went for dinner exactly two years ago for exactly the same reason, and I either tell her that I'm a pagan ... or I don't. There are any number of ways I could deal with this situation, and none of them are without risk of serious shit hitting the fan.
It's only a risk, mind you. I mean, we have a sort of amnesty going; we mention nothing that might start a fight, and fights don't start. I'm perfectly happy to put aside the fact that she's made me so fucking scared of her that I can't even be open about the really important parts of my life with her because of the high possibility that she won't approve of me. I don't think she's as happy not mentioning my weight, the smoking, and every other fucking thing she'd like to see different in my life, but she does it, and that's the main thing. We talk about 'safe' topics ... well, relatively safe. We talk about what's new with my job and how things are with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
dodgyhoodoo and she makes it a point to ask about the RPG stuff, which she doesn't really get, and my friends, even those couple in the States that she was convinced were bad for me a few years back. I know she's trying. That's what makes it so hard.
I don't enjoy the prospect of upsetting my mother anymore, if indeed I ever did. She's got such limited views of how to lead a good life, mostly to do with her upbringing and how she got her start in life. I feel bad for her because of the limitations she still carries around with her. Honestly, for a woman who wanted her daughter to have every opportunity and see everything the world has to offer, her opinions and views are ... strange. Homosexuality is 'icky'? You can't be anything but a Christian if you were baptised and are living a moral life? You should ever only rely on yourself? I can't even show her half of my restaurant discoveries because of Mum's views on what constitutes a 'good' restaurant. (For instance, she'd hate the Tokyo Diner because it looks less than upmarket.)
Anyway, I don't want to upset her, but I want to share the important things in my life with her. I want her to be a part of my life, and I want to be honest with her. These are things she says she wants too, and I don't think she's lying, exactly. It just seems sad that she pushes what she wants aside because they don't fit into her views. But I suppose that's my mother for you; ever striving for the things she thinks will make her happy while throwing happiness away with both hands.
I'm not bitter or anything. I think I've actually come to a point in my life where I really forgive my mother for my childhood etc, rather than how it's been previously, where I've felt bullied into saying it didn't matter for fear of mother-wrath. I'm just concerned that the groundwork we've both been laying lately won't hold up to this, having tested the water on the faith front and found it iced over. We've been doing so well, and I don't want to lose it now.
So now I'm considering approaches, and it feels like preparing for war. Astolshak said on IM last night, "You shouldn't have to bone up on Sun Tzu when preparing to talk to your mother". But that's what I'm doing, as much for damage limitation as anything else. I don't want to 'win' anything per se; I want to complete the mission while minimising the collateral damage.
So here goes: "Mum, I was talking withdodgyhoodoo last week about what happens when we decide to get married -- yeah, that's kind of on the cards... [insert pause for whatever mother comment comes from that here] Anyway, we were thinking that when that happened, we were going to have a handfasting as the primary wedding thing. [explain handfasting, because she's going to ask] We're doing it that way because we're both pagans and a church wedding just doesn't suit us."
Honestly, the only way I can think of to soften the blow is to use that last sentence as a reminder that this is not just my lone insanity but an actual faith. Argh. And I have just over four hours to get this straight in my head.
Fuck this; I'm going shopping.
It's only a risk, mind you. I mean, we have a sort of amnesty going; we mention nothing that might start a fight, and fights don't start. I'm perfectly happy to put aside the fact that she's made me so fucking scared of her that I can't even be open about the really important parts of my life with her because of the high possibility that she won't approve of me. I don't think she's as happy not mentioning my weight, the smoking, and every other fucking thing she'd like to see different in my life, but she does it, and that's the main thing. We talk about 'safe' topics ... well, relatively safe. We talk about what's new with my job and how things are with
dodgyhoodoo and she makes it a point to ask about the RPG stuff, which she doesn't really get, and my friends, even those couple in the States that she was convinced were bad for me a few years back. I know she's trying. That's what makes it so hard.I don't enjoy the prospect of upsetting my mother anymore, if indeed I ever did. She's got such limited views of how to lead a good life, mostly to do with her upbringing and how she got her start in life. I feel bad for her because of the limitations she still carries around with her. Honestly, for a woman who wanted her daughter to have every opportunity and see everything the world has to offer, her opinions and views are ... strange. Homosexuality is 'icky'? You can't be anything but a Christian if you were baptised and are living a moral life? You should ever only rely on yourself? I can't even show her half of my restaurant discoveries because of Mum's views on what constitutes a 'good' restaurant. (For instance, she'd hate the Tokyo Diner because it looks less than upmarket.)
Anyway, I don't want to upset her, but I want to share the important things in my life with her. I want her to be a part of my life, and I want to be honest with her. These are things she says she wants too, and I don't think she's lying, exactly. It just seems sad that she pushes what she wants aside because they don't fit into her views. But I suppose that's my mother for you; ever striving for the things she thinks will make her happy while throwing happiness away with both hands.
I'm not bitter or anything. I think I've actually come to a point in my life where I really forgive my mother for my childhood etc, rather than how it's been previously, where I've felt bullied into saying it didn't matter for fear of mother-wrath. I'm just concerned that the groundwork we've both been laying lately won't hold up to this, having tested the water on the faith front and found it iced over. We've been doing so well, and I don't want to lose it now.
So now I'm considering approaches, and it feels like preparing for war. As
tolshak said on IM last night, "You shouldn't have to bone up on Sun Tzu when preparing to talk to your mother". But that's what I'm doing, as much for damage limitation as anything else. I don't want to 'win' anything per se; I want to complete the mission while minimising the collateral damage.So here goes: "Mum, I was talking with
dodgyhoodoo last week about what happens when we decide to get married -- yeah, that's kind of on the cards... [insert pause for whatever mother comment comes from that here] Anyway, we were thinking that when that happened, we were going to have a handfasting as the primary wedding thing. [explain handfasting, because she's going to ask] We're doing it that way because we're both pagans and a church wedding just doesn't suit us."Honestly, the only way I can think of to soften the blow is to use that last sentence as a reminder that this is not just my lone insanity but an actual faith. Argh. And I have just over four hours to get this straight in my head.
Fuck this; I'm going shopping.