Some of that really doesn't scan, but for an off-the-cuff effort, not bad at all. Though I'd turn that fourth-to-last and third-to-last lines to read "I'll murder them all and then laugh as they choke and seize / except the ones out due to being plagued with disease". A little bit rough but at least it generally follows the rhythm. ^_^
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branchandroot
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Date: 2005-01-11 10:01 am (UTC)Some of that really doesn't scan, but for an off-the-cuff effort, not bad at all. Though I'd turn that fourth-to-last and third-to-last lines to read "I'll murder them all and then laugh as they choke and seize / except the ones out due to being plagued with disease". A little bit rough but at least it generally follows the rhythm. ^_^