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The Great Don't Know
Sep. 1st, 2003 01:21 pmI think maybe it's time to talk about the thing that put me in "FUCK OFF UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE" mode the other day. I'm going to do this publicly because, despite how it may seem when I explain it, it's actually my problem. Maybe it's a little bit silly to let the actions of one person affect me so deeply, no matter how much a friend they are, but it's not so much one big hit as it is several fairly big hits on several parts of my spiritual anatomy, as it were, and I have no clue whatsoever how to deal with how I'm feeling now. So I'm going to vent it to all and sundry and hope it at least makes me feel better.
Wakaranai spent the best part of last week in Toronto with his parents, attending Torcon '03. While his time could perhaps have been better spent looking for gainful employment in his new state of residence or minding the cat and therefore sparing his parents the cost of cattery as well as the extra ticket and out-meals, I'm kind of behind the idea -- after all, he's out of the house, he's interacting with people so maybe he'll be a little more inclined to try dealing with them on their own terms, and besides, he's my friend and deserves some fun. So in one of my recent mails to him, I told him I hoped he was having a good time in Toronto and at Con and the rest of it. His reply was something to the order of "I'd be enjoying it more if not for having to deal with my parents snoring, they being too cheap to get a separate hotel room for me".
I was having a hard enough time believing that he'd said this; I wasn't prepared for, after ticking him off for having the front to talk about his parents' cheapness when they didn't have to take him along at all, checking his online journal and finding that he'd had a public bitch there about it. He apologised to me (though it's his parents he should be apologising to, or thanking, or whatever) and then apologised on his journal. It would have been so much better if he'd just said, "I was an ungrateful schmuck there earlier and I'm sorry". Instead of going on.
He went on to say that, despite being brought to the realisation that he had no right to complain under the saying about beggars and choosers, his parents' cheapness had reduced his pleasure in the 'Con; their snoring was cutting into his sleep and he was sick of fast food. And this, because of the almost cunning segue, seems to be his excuse for spending one day online, trying to remember his bookmarks list, instead of going to the panels. And even then he complained about how slow the connection seemed to be. If he wanted to sit around at a reliably fast computer, couldn't he have saved his parents some money and trouble and stay home? I made the mistake of looking at how much the 'Con actually cost and I was appalled -- they spend that much so that he can go to panels and things and not only does he not go (if you're tired, there's a great little invention called caffeine), but complains about the thing he found to do instead.
Okay, I'm starting to rant about him and I shouldn't do that. This is about how I feel about it, and going too far into my opinion and deconstruction of his actions is not going to do me any good. I think I've given a good enough idea of how I feel about the whole thing to explain what I need to explain.
I suppose I knew about this side of him -- this side that seems so selfish and petty and greedy and ... well, one person I discussed this with referred to him as a "hedomaniac". I knew that he took things for granted to an extent, that he seemed to believe that the world owed him a living somehow. But this is the first time I've ever seen it so pronounced, where he's actually complained that the world isn't giving him enough. I suppose part of this is some kind of cross between acute jealousy and righteous indignation -- I think anyone who works for their living would feel this way, given that most of us work hard for what we have and probably enjoy it all the more for having earned it.
The other part of it feels childish -- a sense of disappointment and damn near betrayal. I know my friends aren't perfect. I don't expect them to be, because I know everyone has their faults; I try not to put my friends on pedestals because it always leads to grief. But there's a limit to everything. I knew Wakaranai took things for granted, that he has a hard time acknowledging his responsibility to actually earn what he receives, all that. I just didn't know that it was this bad. And that gives me a whole bunch of things that I don't know. I don't know if he's been this way all along and there just hasn't been the setting to bring it out this strongly, or if he's just been getting worse no matter how hard I try to help him be better. I don't know if there's something else in there that I can't see that might come out to hurt and disappoint me again. I don't know if I'm another thing he takes for granted.
Most important, I don't know if I like him anymore. Hell, I don't even know if I know him anymore.
I don't know if this is the best way of letting him know what the problem is. It probably isn't. I just can't bring myself to answer his last mail as if nothing's happened, or to start in on him in e-mail because I'd just lose my temper and be unfair, and I don't want to do that. And if I just don't speak to him, he won't know enough to pursue and ask what the problem is ... or he'll be afraid to.
I don't know what to do, if indeed I should do anything at all. Thing is, he's in my RPG and not having him in the group will bring us down to three, which is too few people for my tastes. All the same, I'm not sure I want to play with him. There's so much I don't know, and the worst of it is not knowing how I feel. Sometimes I'm mad enough to kill, other times I'm sad enough to cry. I do know one thing -- I know what I want (besides this never having happened in the first place, which I know is an impossible thing to want). I want an explanation. I want him to make this better. I want him to figure out how to redeem himself ... and then actually do it.
But he's never been very good at that, so I don't know what I'm going to do.
Thess
Wakaranai spent the best part of last week in Toronto with his parents, attending Torcon '03. While his time could perhaps have been better spent looking for gainful employment in his new state of residence or minding the cat and therefore sparing his parents the cost of cattery as well as the extra ticket and out-meals, I'm kind of behind the idea -- after all, he's out of the house, he's interacting with people so maybe he'll be a little more inclined to try dealing with them on their own terms, and besides, he's my friend and deserves some fun. So in one of my recent mails to him, I told him I hoped he was having a good time in Toronto and at Con and the rest of it. His reply was something to the order of "I'd be enjoying it more if not for having to deal with my parents snoring, they being too cheap to get a separate hotel room for me".
I was having a hard enough time believing that he'd said this; I wasn't prepared for, after ticking him off for having the front to talk about his parents' cheapness when they didn't have to take him along at all, checking his online journal and finding that he'd had a public bitch there about it. He apologised to me (though it's his parents he should be apologising to, or thanking, or whatever) and then apologised on his journal. It would have been so much better if he'd just said, "I was an ungrateful schmuck there earlier and I'm sorry". Instead of going on.
He went on to say that, despite being brought to the realisation that he had no right to complain under the saying about beggars and choosers, his parents' cheapness had reduced his pleasure in the 'Con; their snoring was cutting into his sleep and he was sick of fast food. And this, because of the almost cunning segue, seems to be his excuse for spending one day online, trying to remember his bookmarks list, instead of going to the panels. And even then he complained about how slow the connection seemed to be. If he wanted to sit around at a reliably fast computer, couldn't he have saved his parents some money and trouble and stay home? I made the mistake of looking at how much the 'Con actually cost and I was appalled -- they spend that much so that he can go to panels and things and not only does he not go (if you're tired, there's a great little invention called caffeine), but complains about the thing he found to do instead.
Okay, I'm starting to rant about him and I shouldn't do that. This is about how I feel about it, and going too far into my opinion and deconstruction of his actions is not going to do me any good. I think I've given a good enough idea of how I feel about the whole thing to explain what I need to explain.
I suppose I knew about this side of him -- this side that seems so selfish and petty and greedy and ... well, one person I discussed this with referred to him as a "hedomaniac". I knew that he took things for granted to an extent, that he seemed to believe that the world owed him a living somehow. But this is the first time I've ever seen it so pronounced, where he's actually complained that the world isn't giving him enough. I suppose part of this is some kind of cross between acute jealousy and righteous indignation -- I think anyone who works for their living would feel this way, given that most of us work hard for what we have and probably enjoy it all the more for having earned it.
The other part of it feels childish -- a sense of disappointment and damn near betrayal. I know my friends aren't perfect. I don't expect them to be, because I know everyone has their faults; I try not to put my friends on pedestals because it always leads to grief. But there's a limit to everything. I knew Wakaranai took things for granted, that he has a hard time acknowledging his responsibility to actually earn what he receives, all that. I just didn't know that it was this bad. And that gives me a whole bunch of things that I don't know. I don't know if he's been this way all along and there just hasn't been the setting to bring it out this strongly, or if he's just been getting worse no matter how hard I try to help him be better. I don't know if there's something else in there that I can't see that might come out to hurt and disappoint me again. I don't know if I'm another thing he takes for granted.
Most important, I don't know if I like him anymore. Hell, I don't even know if I know him anymore.
I don't know if this is the best way of letting him know what the problem is. It probably isn't. I just can't bring myself to answer his last mail as if nothing's happened, or to start in on him in e-mail because I'd just lose my temper and be unfair, and I don't want to do that. And if I just don't speak to him, he won't know enough to pursue and ask what the problem is ... or he'll be afraid to.
I don't know what to do, if indeed I should do anything at all. Thing is, he's in my RPG and not having him in the group will bring us down to three, which is too few people for my tastes. All the same, I'm not sure I want to play with him. There's so much I don't know, and the worst of it is not knowing how I feel. Sometimes I'm mad enough to kill, other times I'm sad enough to cry. I do know one thing -- I know what I want (besides this never having happened in the first place, which I know is an impossible thing to want). I want an explanation. I want him to make this better. I want him to figure out how to redeem himself ... and then actually do it.
But he's never been very good at that, so I don't know what I'm going to do.
Thess
