Soapdish

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.

You know what? I don't want this to turn into "Letters I'm Not Sure Will Be Read By Those Whom I'm Addressing". But I do want it to remain, as it was before I realised that this stupid online journal was more widely known than I wanted it to be, someplace where I can say exactly what I think and feel without worrying about judgemental, self-righteous individuals judging me by it. So here's the latest in this soap opera that my life seems to become as soon as it comes into any contact with this lot.

I was going to ignore it today. Yesterday, I gave what information I had to someone I know isn't dealing well with outside commentary or provocation involving his current condition. For the record, I know a hell of a lot more about his situation than most of the rest of the people around. Yes, he's running himself into an early grave. He doesn't sleep. I don't know what he eats, but I'm betting it's not healthy. He pays squat all attention to his schoolwork and generally works on a "Oh, I woke up to face another day. Fuck" basis. I know this. I don't like it. But I do know that every time anyone makes any kind of noise on the basis of "Get help; this isn't healthy; think of what you're doing to others", he goes a little farther away from the point where he might conceivably listen to anyone. I'm not encouraging his deathwish, nor am I comfortable with it. I'm trying to show him that I don't just want him to stick on a brave face so I can see what it is he's really feeling and make him see how dumb and pointless it is. Besides which, we don't talk about his ex. It's subject non grata, as it were.

Today, however, having spared myself the hangover from hell and restricted myself to a glass of wine and a yell-along to the Murderdolls ("I'm perfect, pissed off, beautiful, I'm God" may be a little OTT on the old self-image scale, but it's great for boosting the flagging mood) I decided I was going to let it all go. Have a normal day where I checked my mail, had a flick through the webcomics, waved at people in passing and then went out and did something else. But noooooooo, there had to be commentary.

To be honest, I wouldn't have looked for it had it not been for MintSauce. She mentioned in passing, just to let me know, that Usagi'd commented to Ryu's deadjournal. I thought I'd have a look to see what she said. I don't know where Neko got the whole anonymous idea from, but that's what she told me, and that was the only thing that made the idea even partially palatable to me when I first heard it. Fine, maybe I should've kept my nose out, but that should just let Neko know to keep her mouth shut to me about it if she has knowledge of something I know Ryu'd want to hear about.

Then, of course, having read her commentary on the matter in that forum, I had to wonder what she had to say for herself in her diaryland. See, normally when I check that place, it's just to see what's going on with her. I don't care if she's slandering me or not -- I mostly want to know how her classes or going or if her marriage is doing okay. The only thing I have against her is her tendency to shit-stir, and even that seems to be more a case of ... I dunno, believing that she has the right and the ability to fix fucked up situations when she sees them because her life's so together. Or maybe she's just bored and unfulfilled, but her diaryland doesn't suggest that either, so I don't know what the hell prompts her.

As for my friendship with Ryu and the ways in which I choose to demonstrate same ... fuck off. Yeah, a lot of the time he treats me like a piece of furniture and ignores me. I'm allowed to bitch and moan and complain about it without actually having to turn around and tell him to fuck off; the times when he's actually paying attention to me do eventually make up for it. Besides, when I was a fucked up psycho, how do you think I treated him at times? I must have made him want to tear his hair out, all the times he pleaded with me to get some help and getting ignored. One pays one's dues.

I don't know what would happen to me if he did suicide, I admit it. I might go absolutely off my trolley in a very unexpected way and no one'd be the wiser until they were dragging my corpse out of the Thames. I might cry, grieve and get on with my life. Who knows? At this point, it's not my concern. If he wants me, if he needs me, he has me. I am not a love-slave. I'm just me. I'd do this for Asuka, Kent, Wakaranai (in fact, I regularly verbally abuse him to get him to make steps towards a life), Taichou, Nakanaide, MintSauce and anyone else I consider a friend of mine. I wouldn't be quite this adament about Neko, but that's because I know where she stands with that kind of thing -- she wouldn't appreciate or expect it. If I wasn't like that to those I feel deserve it, I'd feel cold and heartless and selfish. You wouldn't want me to feel like that, would you?

And it was going to be such a nice relaxed day.

Thess (though I don't see why I bother -- you all know who I am)