Last Resort

Cut my life into pieces
I've reached my last resort
Suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding
Papa Roach -- "Last Resort"

I have lost the will to hockey-geek.

Yeah, I've been talking about the Habs/Bruins game for ages now, since I found about it a couple of weeks ago. I've been ranting for months about the Habs being in the Playoffs so I could watch a game and now it's the day and I just don't care.

Then again, there's not much to care about today. There should be, but I just don't. Someone in the hospital who I've been working near the last week or so gave me a new book, one I'd never read before, just because I had been reading one by the same author and she was done with it (she has this belief in "read it once; pass it on"). Problem is, I'm not enjoying reading it, really. Then again, I'm not enjoying reading much of anything at the moment. When you can't even smile at Pratchett and your only comment at "The Bronze Horseman" is, "Christ, how Russian can you get? Set it in a cherry orchard and it'd be Chekov all over again"... Well, a bookworm like myself can only fear.

Cause I'm losin' my sight, losin' my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's alright, nothing's fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I never realized I was spread too thin
'Til it was too late and I was empty within

Course, part of it's the job. Ms Marvel called in sick the last two days and "might" be in tomorrow, which means "not a snowflake's chance in hell; the Temp'll do it". Because the Temp was asked to do it, wasn't she. *sigh* They asked me to man the phones again while she was off sick. This is not what I signed up for. None of this is what I signed up for. It sucks and I want out.

I left my Discman at work and I just didn't care.

I actually did some writing and I'm not bragging to anyone with ears about same.

All I want to do right now is stop being, but that's not possible, so maybe I'll be as little as possible.

There's only one thing -- sorry; person -- on my mind right now, and I'm not going there.

This is the last thing I've really been arsed to move for. And it's all quiet. This is my last resort and it's being hit by a tsunami.

Would it be wrong, would it be right
If I took my life tonight, chances are that I might
Mutilation out of sight and I'm contemplating suicide

Thessaly

Inner Dialogue

See? You finally did it. It took a long time, and a lot of hard work, but you finally did it.

"Did what?"

You see them. Or rather, you don't. That's the point, isn't it? You made yourself into too much work and they went away.

"They're there. See? Open IM windows."

Oh, come on, get with reality, babe. It'd have been a cold day in Hell before they let you get away with this once upon a time. And now there's just the silence. They won't talk to you unless you talk to them. And if you do, they'll know something's wrong.

"Shut up."

Him most of all, isn't it? There was a time he'd have beat the truth out of you and maybe even cared that you were...

"Shut up! And he has other things on his mind right now! His life, his college, his future..."

In other words, everything important.

"..."

You'll never stop caring for them, if that's what you're waiting for. And if you're waiting for a time when they stop caring for you ... well, it'd better be now before you slip up again and clue them in.

"I ... can't do that."

Look at your right wrist if you catch yourself believing that too hard.

"See? Someone cares!"

Yeah, but for how long?

"Oh, fuck you."

Not possible, really. And I'll shut up for now. But we'll continue this conversation later. Go on and think of something else ... if you can.

* * *

This is why I don't sleep well.

Thessaly