While Her Guitar Gently Weeps

Currently sitting in a CD player that is not my own (a gift, but not really mine) is a CD burned on the cheapest CD-R brand on the planet. And on that CD are 18 songs. And two of them were sung by Wendy and myself. One of those was written about, and for, Ryu. And I can't listen to it.

Altogether, we spent two weeks together at most. Singing. Drinking. Laughing. Making plans. Talking about a future that I could sometimes actually believe in - writing, singing, trying to move to the same city so we could see each other often enough to suit us. It gave me hope.

We called each other umsiblings. Umtwins, in fact, no matter what the age difference. It gave me a sense of belonging, a sense of family. A reason to try. It was hard enough to try when that reason was there. She stood by me through the preacher and the first breakdown. I read her journal and I wonder what went so wrong. Then I realise that I did.

She came after me, via Ryu through a cellphone, from across the country. She had faith in my talents, believed in me. She doesn't believe in me anymore. And that makes it harder and harder for me to remember why she used to have faith in me, and to believe that she did at all.

Okay, so this is perhaps what people call "the Pity Party". Guess what; I don't care. The reason I got out of the old place is because I knew I could get away from the people that thought my venting honestly was some sort of desperate bid for attention and pity.

The upshot: I'm probably not trying hard enough. I don't know how to do this on my own. What happens when a prop is removed from something? Depends on how the props were positioned, and the strength of the other ones. If I won't lean on Ryu because he's having so much trouble of his own (which he still won't tell me about, but I haven't asked again) and I don't want to lean on Mamoru too hard, and the prop that was Wendy is gone, what does that do to the structure?

I didn't mean to hurt her. I miss my friend. I'll probably never see her again, much less speak to her, but all I can say to her is that I'm sorry.

Thessaly

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I'm trying not to do the venting thing. At this point, it's not worth my time and effort to make mention of what's going on generally in the case of ... well, all the stuff I've been writing about over the past few days. Instead, I'm going to focus on the important people in my life; in this case, Mamoru.

Like me, Mamoru has an online journal (I think he set the thing up because I sent him the link to the old place and he liked the idea once he saw it). And today, he had a vent of his own. He's getting the idea, I think - first of all that you don't have to necessarily make one entry every day (just whenever it takes your fancy to do so, beit twice daily or once in a blue moon), and that yes, it's a great place to vent.

I'm not going to link to it or even go into too many details on what he was venting about. What I will is give you a bit of insight on Mamoru. He's just into his thirties and he still lives at home, which is probably a source of consternation for him. Circumstances make him a bit leery about his employment chances, particularly in the suburban/rural twilight zone backwater he inhabits with his parents. He's told me his parents are soon moving to more northern climes, which is a blessing for all concerned, given the whole Bible Belt mentality and lack of anything remotely resembling the liberal ideologies he values.

But let's face it; whether or not he still lives at home is not the point. Whether he lives like a teenager is not the point. The point is that, act like it or not, he is a grown man who is entitled, same as everyone else, to make a mistake now and then and not be bawled out for it. Parents really have got to understand that, past a certain age, there's only so much you can say to your 'children'. When those children are as old as (or even older than) you were when you had them, it's about time to start treating them as equals deserving of equal respect. I wonder how Mamoru's dad would have liked it if, say, he'd been bawled out by Mamoru for failing to send instructions on a certain project in time to prevent a mess around the house while Mamoru was home alone for a few days. If that's the logic you're working under, Mamoru would have been well within his rights.

Now, of course, I don't believe that turnabout is fair play. What I do believe is that people are deserving of respect from their parents, even if they still live at home, particularly past a certain age. I've seen/heard Ryu get the slapdown for no apparent reason, and I'm seeing it with Mamoru. Of course, no one's parents compare to Ryu's, but it just annoys me to see that happen to anyone I care about. So call me overprotective.

Anyway, not to dwell too much, I'm still waiting for Mamoru to turn up online. I think he's going to need to vent, and I make a pretty good wailing wall. Well, when people let me.

I seem to be being dragged to Rocky Horror tonight. At least they can't taunt me - I am no Virgin in that respect (or the other, come to think...)

Thessaly