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Fell On Black Days
Jun. 10th, 2002 05:55 pmToday is a "fuck off and die" day.
Actually, it didn't start off too bad, though again I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. It only started going to shit around about lunchtime, when I found myself trapped in the Igloo for the best part of the afternoon. To explain the Igloo, it's the cutesy name for the "cold reporting room" -- where the X-rays that need commenting on right fucking now get commented on right fucking then. It's small. It's cramped in the best of circumstances, but when some doctor whose first language is definitely not English is crammed in there with a whole bunch of med students and associate doctors -- it's hell for the claustrophobic. Guess who's claustrophobic? *waves*
I came here for someone to bitch at. I headed for Ryu, as I tend to in such situations. I stated, in a way that could have been turned into a joke (I like feeding his lines), "I hate the Igloo". Waited for a joke, or a question, or a noise of sympathy. What I got was "i hate life". Yes, thank you, I know that, but must you rub my nose in it? Maybe if you didn't listen to all that depressive shit and wallow in your own misery and actually did something, you wouldn't feel like this twenty-four seven!
*sigh* I probably shouldn't say that. After all, I know he's heartbroken and it's gotta be damn hard for him; first true love and all that bullshit. But come on -- he's 21 years old. This has been going on for the best part of a year now, with the problems getting steadily worse. Technically, all told, it's been "over" (if undeclared) for getting along to six months, maybe? No, I don't expect him to be over it, but I don't expect him to be like this either. Even when you pile on the other events in his life to date. He's had the rest time, if he's been arsed to use it.
I'm going mad. Totally and completely mad.
I'm pretty sure a part of him wants this, is the worst thing. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but he's been shoving people away left, right and centre so that he could drop off everyone's radar before he collapses. And I'm one of the last. Hell, I probably am the last of any note. And nothing that's worked on others has worked on me to date. I won't let him distance himself because I know what having no one and nothing will do to him -- does to anyone. I'm only doing what he's done for me a dozen times at least. But now he's not letting me. And getting progressively more cruel because he's sure it's the only way of shaking me off without outright lying and saying, "I don't want you in my life anymore".
I'm getting to the point where I almost wish he'd tell me that lie. I'd honour it, at least. I'd probably believe it, knowing me. And then I'd watch him from a distance and say nothing until he dropped out of sight altogether. And if you don't know what I'd do then, it's none of your business.
Thessaly
Actually, it didn't start off too bad, though again I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. It only started going to shit around about lunchtime, when I found myself trapped in the Igloo for the best part of the afternoon. To explain the Igloo, it's the cutesy name for the "cold reporting room" -- where the X-rays that need commenting on right fucking now get commented on right fucking then. It's small. It's cramped in the best of circumstances, but when some doctor whose first language is definitely not English is crammed in there with a whole bunch of med students and associate doctors -- it's hell for the claustrophobic. Guess who's claustrophobic? *waves*
I came here for someone to bitch at. I headed for Ryu, as I tend to in such situations. I stated, in a way that could have been turned into a joke (I like feeding his lines), "I hate the Igloo". Waited for a joke, or a question, or a noise of sympathy. What I got was "i hate life". Yes, thank you, I know that, but must you rub my nose in it? Maybe if you didn't listen to all that depressive shit and wallow in your own misery and actually did something, you wouldn't feel like this twenty-four seven!
*sigh* I probably shouldn't say that. After all, I know he's heartbroken and it's gotta be damn hard for him; first true love and all that bullshit. But come on -- he's 21 years old. This has been going on for the best part of a year now, with the problems getting steadily worse. Technically, all told, it's been "over" (if undeclared) for getting along to six months, maybe? No, I don't expect him to be over it, but I don't expect him to be like this either. Even when you pile on the other events in his life to date. He's had the rest time, if he's been arsed to use it.
I'm going mad. Totally and completely mad.
I'm pretty sure a part of him wants this, is the worst thing. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but he's been shoving people away left, right and centre so that he could drop off everyone's radar before he collapses. And I'm one of the last. Hell, I probably am the last of any note. And nothing that's worked on others has worked on me to date. I won't let him distance himself because I know what having no one and nothing will do to him -- does to anyone. I'm only doing what he's done for me a dozen times at least. But now he's not letting me. And getting progressively more cruel because he's sure it's the only way of shaking me off without outright lying and saying, "I don't want you in my life anymore".
I'm getting to the point where I almost wish he'd tell me that lie. I'd honour it, at least. I'd probably believe it, knowing me. And then I'd watch him from a distance and say nothing until he dropped out of sight altogether. And if you don't know what I'd do then, it's none of your business.
Thessaly
